Don't choke on the bone fragments
by 4015
Summary: Life is like walking a tight rope, its all about balance. Balance is what keeps us alive, either physically as Mentally. There was nothing more she could do. They were done, they weren’t Addison and Derek anymore.
1. Prologue

**Don't choke on the ****bone fragments.**

_**Epilogue **_

-What do you get when you fall in love?

You only get lies, pain and sorrow.

It makes you feel like you are capable of everything.

Whether you like it or not: love makes you vulnerable, because the one you fall in love with has all the power over you.

You do things your mother told you never to do.

You feel things that are so strong that they'll force you in directions you should never be.

And when this overwhelming feeling ends…

Then you fall, you fall out of love, you fall apart.

But still you need it, love is all we need, other people are what matters.

Without love we would be nothing but silhouettes.

Life is like walking a tight rope, its all about balance.

Balance is what keeps us alive, either physically as Mentally.

As her tears mixed up with rain, Addison walked true the streets of Seattle.

There was nothing more she could do.

They were done, they weren't Addison and Derek anymore.

Raindrops kept falling from the overcastted sky, thunder and lightning succeeded each other.

The only light that shines up on the streets is coming from a few windows of people's houses.

But nothing frightened her, she kept walking, she had nothing to be afraid of.

After all, it couldn't get any worse.

She needed to feel something, her whole body felt numb.

She needed alcohol, A lot of alcohol.

But it was late, all the bars where closed and she didn't have anywhere to go.

Derek was in his freaking trailer, screwing the dark and twisty, twelve year old intern.

She could go to a hotel…with a mini-bar!

She grabbed the ends of her dress, pulled them together and started walking towards a big street with many lights.

Walking became running as she saw a cab coming her way.

"_The archfield please" _

Five glasses of martini and seven shots of straight tequila later she decided that it was time to call Mark.

She needed him here.

He could ease the pain of her failed marriage, and her ass of a husband.

Mark was what she needed now, apart from alcohol, she needed the sex and the compliments that made her feel special.

Mark always made her feel special and she needed to be special, everybody needs to feel special from time to time…

Strong yellow light, strange shadows and weird noises woke Addison from her drunkdreaming."

Her eyes open, slowly reaching out, something to get her up.

Moaning she pushed herself up to sitting position, with help from the nightstand she was able to get on her feet.

She rushed to the bathroom as the world around her started spinning.

Heaving, the strong taste and finally the clattering sound of vomit.

There was one plus point to this situation, she finally felt something, she was able to feel again!

the feeling that she felt was a nightmare, but still, she had feeling!

She started crawling back to bed, as soon as her head hit the pillow she was off to a place far, far away…


	2. Human Instincts

**Chapter 1.**

_Disclaimer__: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

You can tell yourself and everybody else around you that you'll be just "fine".

Face your fears, choose you own destiny.

But we're all human, and human nature isn't quite used to being completely civil when our old instincts kick in.

You can plan every second of your life and insist that it'll all happen your way.

But we know better than that.

We always have a choice no matter what, but some things just happen, you can either deal with what you get or ignore it and pretend it was all part of the "plan", we all no pretending doesn't last for long.

And then there is again that thing that is considered "human", we are the most self involved _creations on this planet._

_Your whole "being" is from your own perspective, our whole journey in this life can be compared to our own drama-series, your existence is followed by essence, your life is your('s) Anatomy…_

_###_

The pounding headache and constant taste of vomit in the back of her throat, were probably the least of Addison's problems that Tuesday morning.

She was absolutely terrified of the thought to face her co-workers after her embarrassing behaviour at Joe's the other night.

But the thought that scared her the most was to be in an elevator with her (almost) ex-husband and his precious little intern; Meredith Grey.

Of course that was the first thing that happened to her five minutes after she entered the hall of SGH.

This was SO her life, Addison Forbes Montgomery no-longer-Shepherd wasn't good friends with karma, karma hated her, it did her whole life and it continued even though she moved across the freaking country for a man who had been her husband for almost twelve years but had after one night without her decided to "fall in love" with a women ten years younger than her, karma hated Addison , Addison hated karma even more.

All this ran true her mind as she stood pressed up against the back of the elevator watching the two people in front of her flirt and kiss.

She wished with all her force that she could sink don a hole and fall down the cool-non-civilized elevator shaft.

When all the other people were out of the elevator and it was just her and "them" ( only to think of them as "them" made her feel nauseas) she cleared her throat.

Derek and Meredith broke apart and quickly spun around.

"Good morning Dr. Montgomery" Derek greeted cheerfully.

She threw him a dead glare and replied by giving him a small nod, "Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey"

Derek smirked at her pained expression when she called the intern by her actual name this time.

Addison looked over to Meredith and locked eyes for a moment, the intern's lips formed in to a small smile but it didn't reach her eyes, those remained insecure, frightened and soft blue.

Addison hated the way she looked at her, like she was freaking Satan, Those puppy-dog eyes were the one watching her husband's sleeping, naked form every night.

The elevator shook slightly and woke Addison up from her day-dream, the doors opened and an awkward silence fell.

The opened door revealed an annoyed Dr. Bailey by four of her surgical suck-ups, they all stared at the three people inside the elevator.

Dr. Karev, surprise, was the first to commend, "oh, dude, I wish we had security cameras in the elevators! I'd love to watch this, he paused, ride?" he gave Meredith an questioning look , Christina Smirked at Addison's dead glare and Alex's smiling face.

Dr. Bailey cleared her throat, "What in the name of God are you FOOLS waiting for?" She yelled, "now, Get your pretty asses off that damn Elevator!" she turned towards Meredith, "Grey, rounds started five minutes ago, NOW GO!"

Addison was first to react, she hasted off the elevator and ran out of eyesight.

Her race ended in an empty supply closed.

"take a deep breath" she told herself, it didn't work, she felt her stomach churn and her throat tighten, vomit landed in one of the supply boxes, she opened her eyes, the sight of latex operating gloves covered with puke didn't help her stomach settle.

Finally after the fourth time it stopped.

She felt Empty and Exhausted, she felt like crying, and most of all, she felt more lonely than she'd ever felt in her life.


	3. Looking back

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 2****.**

_Disclaimer__: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

"Karev! I want those lab results yesterday! Could you please go to the lab and ask how much longer it's going to take?" Addison yelled at her inter for that day. "And wash that smile of your face, I'm really not in the mood" She snapped at him again. She still fell miserable after the elevator incident that morning. And she had always been crabby when she was hung-over, today was no exception.

Approaching the nurses station, she noticed a tall red-headed figure seated in the waiting area. The woman was about half way in her forties, She looked absolutely stunning. Her chestnut-Braun hair was cut slightly under her jaw, she was wearing a blue jeans with paint stains on it her torso was covered with a large green blouse, accented with a black belt that was tided very tight around her middle. Her shoes were, simple but elegant, four inch heels. She looked casual and relaxed. Addison walked towards her, at the sound of her clicking heels the woman's head shot up. She rose from her chair and opened her arms. "Jaz! Long time no see!" Addison grimaced at the nick-name but her face lit up again as she hugged her back. "I've missed you two, Sisi!" The two women stared in to each others eyes, an arm length between them.

Addison broke away first. "I've to check on some patients and make sure my intern hasn't angered the laboury-moms, and then I off to lunch, wanna join?" The other woman nodded. "sounds great"

"ok, I'll see you in", she checks her watch, "thirty minutes?" Addison suggested. Again a nod. Addison started walking away towards the nurses station but then stopped for a second, "I'm serious Elinor, I missed my big sister!" she calls over her shoulder. Elinor laughs and replies; "well of course, although I didn't miss you, you have always been a pain in my ass, lil sis" she winks and watches Addison disappear in the crowed of doctors and nurses.

###

Addison sat down in a chair across from Elinor, who was sipping her coffee while reading a newspaper. "Hi, SiSi" Addison took a bite from her salad and warmed her hands, folding them around her teacup. Elinor looked up "I thought you didn't like the nick-names? Especially at work?" Addison ignored her "Tel me El, why are you here? Where are David and Lesley?" Elinor sighted "David is in France for business an Les is at the hotel, in bed, occupied with four DVD-boxes of Sex and the city, so I could come here and talk to my little sister who, so I've heard, is going trough a divorce!" Addison's smile faded "you heard about that?" Elinor raised an eyebrow "of course I did!, even mom called me after thirteen years of silent treatment!" Addison gave her a worried look "are you ok SiSi?"

"Yes"

"You sure?"

"YES"

"Really?"

"Addison, stop it!"

"All right"

"How about you and Derek?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

A silence fell between the two of them.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" Izzie Stevens Interrupted the silence.

"It's just Montgomery, Stevens" Addison told her annoyed.

"Oh! I'm sorry! Dr. Montgomery, It's just that Alex told me about Mrs. Dickens, she in room 10564. pregnant with triplets, two of them conjoined at their heads, and he, Alex, I mean Dr. Karev said that you said you'd need another pair of hands, so I hoped that-?" the intern stopped her rambling.

"You want to work with me again after the quintuplets?" Addison questioned amused.

"Yes, please"

"I'd be honoured to have you, Stevens"

"Really? Oh and thank you!" Izzie's face began to glow, an happy smile formed on her lips.

"you're welc-" Addison answered, but Izzie had already disappeared to the interns-table. She turned back to Elinor, who had an amused smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes. "What!?" Addison questioned.

"I have no idea what the two of you were talking about but to see my little sister so, she searched for the right word, teaching-motherly-kin-dah-bossy, that's just-"

"Oh, shut up SiSi!" Addison grinned.

"No, really, why didn't you and Derek have another kid? You'd be an amazing mom and Derek would've made a wonderful dad" Addison's smile fell, tears began to form in her eyes.

"I guess we were never ready" she paused for a moment and forced a confident smile "Don't you think it's a little late to think about _that _now?"

"Don't you regret it?"

"Stop it Elinor!" Addison sat back in her chair, she stared at the interns-table, they where all laughing and eating, Christina van raising dollar billets from the others, she noticed that the other four were all looking at her now. She quickly turned her head back to her salad.

"I mean, you two were perfect for each other and-" her sister was still talking about her and Derek.

"You don't know everything, Eli!" Addison suddenly spat.

"I know about the affair; he ignored you for almost two years, before you decided to get his attention by sleeping with his best friend!"

"There is more, and it is between me and Derek!"

"Oh, come on!" Elinor hissed "don't go all mystery-woman on me!"

Addison shook her head "I'm not, I'm just not _that_ desperate, that I'm going to reveal my all my deepest feelings and secrets in the middle of the hospital, with my husband's girlfriend twenty feet away, so my annoying sister isn't bored to death because her husband practically lives in Europe, because of the amount of business trips he thinks are more interested than his family!" At the end of her tirade Addison was yelling. She felt the whole cafeteria stare at her.

Elinor looked at her with a surprised expression. Addison gathered her things and started to walk away but Elinor's voice stopped her; "You've made mistakes, Jazless, we all have, but you are to decide how to deal with them! Not Derek, not Mom but YOU Adds!" She smiled a sad smile and continued; " You should enjoy your life again Addie, Don't dwell on the past! We all know that what happened to Lars broke you and Derek, it ripped you apart! But the two of you never tried to repair it! Never tried AGAIN, YOU GAVE UP!" Elinor Yelled as she rose from her chair.

Addison gave her a look of disgust, why in the name of god, Couldn't her sister understand? She has always been a very private person, she didn't want the whole hospital to know about her dead son! "You, Elinor, have absolutely no clue of what you're saying! We didn't want another one! We wanted him to stay with us, if not physically, we kept him with us in our heads, in our dreams and in our hopes! And THAT was just to precious for me to replace with another one! After a long time we got finally ready, we were! I got pregnant and he got absent, I didn't want to raise a baby alone! Luckily for me I didn't have to, because I lost it when I fell and there was like every-freaking-day no body home to help me!" Hot tears rushed down her cheeks.

A dead silence fell.

Addison Forbes Montgomery had just told the whole hospital about her past.

She opened her eyes and looked to her left, a pair of piercing blue eyes observed her with a mix of love, loss, pity and disgust.

She couldn't look him in the eye. Suddenly she turned and rushed out of the cafeteria.

For the second time that day Addison found herself throwing up in a supply-closet.

Unable to breathe.

Unable to move.

She was broken…


	4. All we ever wanted

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 3****.**

_Disclaimer__: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

After Addison cleaned herself up, she went to lay down in an on call room. With her eyes open she stared up at the ceiling. Why was her life so similar to a soap opera? She knew it was partly her own fault; she just couldn't keep her voice down when she was upset or angry.

As she was over thinking that day's events, the door opened. She didn't notice someone walking in until two piercing blue eyes looked straight in to her green ones.

"Derek?" Addison started to get up from the bed.

"Addie, Sweetheart, it's all right, just lay down" he looked at her with eyes full of worry and sorrow.

Addison lowered herself back on the bed but her whole body remained tensed. Derek lay down next to her. At first they were just staring in to nowhere, their bodies inches apart but not close enough for physical contact.

After a while Derek pulled her in his arms, his face buried in her flaming red locks.

Addison started crying, Crying became sobbing when he started placing soft kisses on her forehead. She was glad he held her, it was comforting and for the first time since her arrival in Seattle she felt loved.

"I know you miss him Adds" Derek whispered while caressing her cheek. "he was all we ever wanted" he add.

Addison nodded and wiped away her tears. She took a deep shaky breath.

"I loved him so much Derek" she whispered.

"I know Addie, so did I" he rubbed her back in slow soothing circles. "it broke us apart, we got absent, we no longer cared"

Addison shook her head. "I cared, I cared so much for you" she looked at him, eyes still wet from tears now filled with caring and expectation.

Derek remained quiet, then he snorted. "well, yes, and you had a nice way of showing it!"

Addison pulled away. "Don't even start there Derek, by now the whole hospital probably knows about our dead son, our joke of a marriage and the affairs, lets just stay friendly for a little while? Because I need you Derek, you're all I have left" She started crying again.

Derek quickly held her in his arms again. "I need you two Addison, now more then ever"

They lay in silence, just holding one another tightly .

Minutes passed, slowly they drifted off to sleep. Safely dreaming in each others embrace…

###

Meredith Grey was having a good day. She assisted on a successful Appendectomy structure this morning and had just finished her second successful surgery for that day. She was now on her way to tell the parents of Mark Sloan's sixteen year old patient that their daughters angioma simplex had been (again successfully) removed without any complications and close to no scarring.

When she finished talking to the parents she went to the nurses station to give Patricia her chard and ask if somebody knew where Dr. Shepherd was. After asking around for a while she found out he went in to an on call room at the third floor.

Approaching the door she smoothed her scrubs, pulled down her hair and liked her lips. She softly opened the door. She started walking towards the bed stopped dead in her tracks while letting out a small gasp.

Derek was a sleep on the bottom bunk, but next to him on the bed, in his arms was his ex-wife, or almost ex-wife, but still. She knew Addison was having a rough day. After the incident in the cafeteria Derek had explained to her a little more about Lars, who was apparently their son. She was ok with him being civil towards Addison but spooning in an on call room was going a bit overboard.

And it wasn't so much the hugging that bothered her, it was the way they hugged, fitting in to each other like a completed puzzle. Her head laying on his chest, his lips touching her forehead, his right hand resting on her lower abdomen, their legs intertwined. As she studied them for a minute, Addison's eyes begun to flutter and she started stretching.

Meredith froze when Addison's emerald eyes locked with hers…

###

Addison had been in the middle of something very good and important that she could now no longer remember when she woke up because she was being watched.

"Meredith?" she moved Derek's hand off of her abdomen and unwrapped his arms from hugging her. Slowly she sat up and let her eyes adjust to the light.

Derek started waking up next to her. "Meredith" Addison repeated "it's not what it looks like" she looked at the (still) frozen inter with concerned eyes.

"Mere!" Derek mumbled groggily "let me explain"

Meredith looked At him sceptical "oh, please explain Derek, because I thought you'd already explained it to me this morning! After I found out you not only have a wife but you also have a son!"

Derek sat next to Addison , who was staring out the window at the dark sky in silence.

"had" Derek whispered "we had a son, he was…" Derek began but he was interrupted by Addison "I had a rough day, Derek was just comforting me, nothing happened, we were both tired and we fell asleep" Meredith snorted "of course he was once again comforting you, the only problem is he shouldn't, you're divorced! I'm his girl friend, you" she pointed at Addison "are his EX-wife" Derek cleared his throat "almost ex-wife" he mumbled.

"same thing!" Meredith yelled, she looked at Addison who looked like she was about to cry and spat "You take every chance you get to win him back, don't take me wrong, I'm willing to fight you, but a dead kid? I don't have on so I can't compete here!" Meredith was furious.

Addison and Derek both stared at her, shocked expressions on their faces .

Slowly Addison rose from the bed, she walked to the door without looking back.

The door slammed shut.

And silence remained.


	5. Rest in Desire

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 4.**

_Disclaimer__: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

People who's lives were at the verge of death but got to live by some miracle, they all tell the same story.

A dark tunnel, in the distance a shining circle of light. The circle grows as time passes. Imagine what will happen when you die, when you reach the circle, the light. When even the best skilled doctors can't help you. Who will you become? our brains are so trained and filled with memories, opinions and knowledge, but still, no living soul has figured out what the definition of death really is. It is so complex that even the brightest mind will stagnate when the solution is near. Imagine that (even) our souls are only existing in thís world, would there be anything left of us in the next?

###

Addison left the hospital right after she walked out on Derek and Meredith. The rain felt warm against her skin. The streets smelling of cool rain on the, long gone, sun warmed tiles. This was without doubt the weirdest day of her life. Derek had been nothing but wonderful towards her today, his strong arms protectively around her, light kisses on her nose and forehead. She felt happy and at the same time incredibly sad. While parking her car, tears streamed down her cheeks. She was completely lost, all alone, stranger to herself and scared out of her mind.

###

_August 16, 2001 _

"_we are gathered here today, to honour a great little guy, to bundle our memories and share our grieve. Lars Timothy Shepherd was a joy to all and has made as many people smile as his short life allowed him to. May he go with our blessing and forever rest in peace._

_Addison's knees went week at the sound of her son's name, falling down on the grass of the graveyard, Derek grabbed her. But as all her weight rested in his arms, his knees, two, gave in and both hit the ground below them._

_The priest continued to speak but Addison was no longer paying attention. Her eyes fixated on the small coffin. Her son's tiny body was in there, she knew, she had been there when they lifted him in and closed the Mahoney wooden prison, she and Derek picked out fore their only child. She wanted to cradle him to her chest and watch his face light up when she came to pick him up from day-care, she wanted to run her fingers against the small dimples in his cheeks. But faith had decided, she would never get him back._

_Slowly Addison drowned in desire…_

###

The only way for them to go on with their lives was to ignore, that was how Derek had thought about it. She knew it was his way of solving problems, and it became his desire to solve things that broke them. He ignored their son, he ignored their problems and he ignored her.

###

_July 4, 1998_

_Never had she been in so much pain as right now, but as she always tells her patients; "eyes on the price" She knows that when she'll hold their tiny son in her arms it'll all be worth it. "ok Addison, take deep slow breaths, good, your doing really well, we're almost there!" She knows she's not even halfway true, she does this for living for god's sake! She'll remind herself never to lie to patients in labour again. It's awful to have someone lying to you face when you can't say anything back because you're afraid your screaming will hurt your already sore throat even more. she can't even slap de bitch that has her head between her legs because she's convinced that if she holds on to her husband's hand as tightly as she can, the baby will come out at some point without taking all her organs with him._

_six__ hours later, after four hours of screaming and pushing ending in a C-section that took longer than expected, when she's looking at her son and her mother-in-law asks her what she thought of being in labour, she answers that It was nothing compared to the happiness she is feeling right now, and strange enough she means it…consider how happy Lars Timothy Shepherd made Addison... _

Her thoughts were interrupted by her cell phone, as she opened the door to her hotel room, she answered the phone.

"Addison Shep-Montgomery" she was quick to correct herself.

"Addie? It's me, Elinor" Addison was still pissed at her sister and saw absolutely no point in talking to her, so she remained silent.

"Addie, listen to me, I'm so sorry about what happened today, I had no right to interfere with your life, and I know you hate to bring you personal life up at work, but I really didn't know all those thing, and, and, please adds, can we talk?" Her sister was rambling which was never a good sign, but Addison wasn't going to say a word.

"And you were right" her sister continued "about David, he is always gone, I feel awful without him and I'm really worried about Lesley, she hardly talks to me anymore" Elinor let out a sob "work isn't going so well either, Last moth I only made three paintings, I'm lonely, addie, and lost, really lost!" Addison, still silent, lay down on the bed, it became harder and harder for her not to say anything "so now I'm ignoring Addison, I'm just ignoring it all and-," Addison flew up at the word "ignoring" and gasped "don't!" she cried out "Do not ignore" Addison began pacing up and down the hotel room.

"what room are you in Sisi?"

"2417" came the short reply.

"Archfield?"

"Yes"

"I'll be there in three minutes" As soon as Addison hung up she ran out the door towards the hotel's elevators.


	6. Possible truth

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 5.**

_Disclaimer__: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

Writers are born, books are written. You, and only you, are to decide in what you believe. The oldest book of all has in my opinion always been taken to literally. If only people would look beyond the surface, you'll discover that there are many possible interpretations. Maybe we didn't understand the books language, maybe it wasn't telling fairytales but metaphors that we had no clue of for a long time. Everybody has his own way to process all observations, and is free to believe in whatever they want, but sometimes a push in the right direction can be extremely helpful.

It is almost impossible to find out who is right, if there is something to be right about. If there even is a truth… truth can be found in believing, if you believe, it is you truth. There is only a thin line between believing your truth for yourself, and forcing others to believe in what you think is right, the last one is what has made too many souls to withdraw this world.

_###_

"2415, 2416, finally 2417" Addison took a deep breath and knocked on the door. The door opened and revealed a bewildered looking Elinor.

"Addie? I didn't thing you could be here this soon" she sounded relieved to see her sister.

"I'm staying at the Archfield two" Addison smiled "now let me in so I can great that niece of mine"

Elinor stepped aside and Addison walked past her inside the room, it looked a lot like her own room, the color scheme was a little different.

"she's in the bedroom" Elinor pointed at a door on the other side of the living room.

Addison knocked on the bedroom door and opened it, without waiting for a response . she saw a small reddish haired girl sitting in the middle of the big bed. The girl looked fragile and pale, she was staring intently at the television screen.

"Hi Les" Addison called softly.

The girls head shot up, a pair of big blue eyes looked at her, she saw a small glint appear in Lesley's eyes. "Aunt Addie!" Lesley screamed and before Addison knew it she flew around her neck hugging her closely.

Addison just held her for a little while; She really had missed the little girl.

"how're you doing Les?" Addison asked while stroking the girl's curly locks.

"I'm all right" she shrugged. Lesley let go of her aunt and slowly walked back towards the bed.

Addison sat down next to her on the bed, staring straight ahead.

"Addie?"

"Yes?" Addison looked at Lesley and gave her a comforting smile.

"Are mommy and daddy getting divorced like you and uncle Derrie?" she asked with a small voice, her eyes pleading.

"I don't know Les" Addison sighted and grabbed the girls hand. "but if they are-," she continued "it is not because of you, you know that right?"

Lesley was silent, tears slowly formed in the corners of her eyes. "I know I can't be the only reason, but I AM one" she sniffed.

"Lesley look at me" Addison locked eyes with her "your daddy has been very busy with work lately, because he wants to earn money so he can give you and your mommy whatever you want someday, that's why he is gone so often and your mommy doesn't like that he isn't here with the two of you, but that is only because she loves hi so much" Addison explained seriously.

Lesley nodded slowly, she understand, but the doubtful look remained in her eyes

Addison kissed her on the forehead and rose from the bed. "I'm going to talk with your mom now, but if you ever want to talk about something or if you just need a hug, you can always com to me, ok Les?"

Lesley nodded again and went back to watching her soap. Addison quietly left the room.

###

"Sisi?" Addison approached her sister, who was sitting in a chair on the balcony smoking a cigarette, from behind. "when did you started smoking again?" Addison remembered the day they had decided to quit smoking together. Her sister had had no trouble quitting, although it took Addison almost a year.

"I don't smoke" was her sister dry reply.

"oh, right , and what is it that you're doing right now? Trying to increase your lung capacity? Or is it the new SuperSmoker?" Addison sat down next to her.

"No, now I'm just calming my nerves and fighting the urge to start drinking, cause when I do, I don't think I'll ever stop"

Addison shook her head "you have to stop pitying yourself" she crossed her legs and stared at the Seattle skyline.

"I'm not-. Whatever" Elinor lit another cigarette "you are one to tell me Jaz" she spat, small circles of smoke coming out of her nose, like a fuming dragon, Addison thought.

"you are her in Seattle of all places, hunting after Derek, while he is to busy lusting after his young intern to notice you!" she dumped her cigarette in an already halfway filled ashtray, and started biting her nails.

Addison was silent for a minute, then she cleared her throat. "I think I might be pregnant" she whispered.

Elinor stared at her, her mouth slightly opened. "you're WHAT?"

"Pregnant"

"Yes, I know, I mean, MY GOD Addie! Is it Derek's? oh no!, Addison don't tell me it is mark's!"

"if I am pregnant, IF I am, then it's Derek's" Addison stared at her feet, noticing how well her new Louboutin shoes fitted.

"you are sure about that? I mean did you and Derek-, you know-,?"

"you mean did we have sex?" Addison let out a hoarse laugh. "oh, we had sex, more in Seattle then we had a whole year in New York" she brought her head to the palm of her right hand, a painful look on her face. "but it was cold you know?, the sex, it was cold heartless sex, never love making, oh no" Addison shivered "Making love is what he does when he is with his precious slutty little intern, in a super slutty exam room for instants" she paused "My husband, The Love of My Life is dating a women, ten years younger then me"

Elinor put an arm around her sister. "first things first, we need to know IF you really ARE pregnant, if you are, what are you going to do then?

Addison laid her head on her sister's shoulder. "then I'm going to fight like hell for this child to survive, with or without Derek Patrick Shepherd"

Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm very insecure about my writing, so it's nice to hear critique/compliments/tips/anything…

I'm very busy with school at the moment so I have no idea when I'll UD again, I hope I find time soon.

English is not my first language, so maybe I should find a Beta… do any of you have suggestions?

XoXo, M.


	7. Future’s Vision

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 5.**

_Disclaimer__: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

Sometimes people need to experience the consequences before they can take precautions for their actions. Wouldn't it be wonderful to know the future? To live you life without having to wonder what'll happen next? But like most things in life you need to find out the hard way if it was or wasn't meant to be. Humans are obsessing over the future, ordinary things like the weather forecast are prove of that, as is global warming, dykes, education and medical examination, we are empirical. We live following a pattern, our existence is like a volcano; once it'll erupt, it'll erupt again. How big the eruption will be can be determent by the strength of the previous, we are searching for regularity and familiarity and that is what makes us human, empirical humans. We invented million sorts of charts and graphics. We are constantly trying to compare different statistics, hoping we'll find a similarity, an explanation for the unknown, an inside of what is yet to come…

###

"Derek!"

"What is it now Addison?" his blue piercing eyes remained cold as he faced her. "You got what you wanted, Mer and I broke up last night, ok? Are you done ruining my life or did you keep something more in reserve?" he spat, then he spun on his heels and left her there standing. Alone.

Addison felt like he'd just slapped her in her face, the man was a schizophrenic, one time he's holding you in his arms telling you he needs you, next thing you know he hates you and blames you for everything. She resents what Derek can do to her, he makes her feel like a failure, like she is Satan.

Slowly she starts walking towards her patient's room.

###

"Good morning Mrs Dickens, How are you today?" Addison asked the Mother to be, who was laying in bed looking pale and miserable.

"I feel like there are three persons sucking out al my energy, oh and please call me Dina, Mrs Dickens makes me feel old." Dina winked and forced a smile.

"Well, Dina that was to be expected, because there are indeed three babies inside of you." Addison smiled a warm smile. "now I'm going to do an ultrasound and after that Dr. Stevens will tell you about the surgery we are going to perform on baby A and B to separate them after the birth, ok?"

"yep, and Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes Dina?"

"I know it is probably not my place but are you ok? Because you look a little pale."

"I will be ok, eventually, don't worry about me." Addison smiled a weak smile, and then quickly walked out of the room.

She rushed in to the ladies room, heaving she stood in front of one of the toilets, waiting for the clattering sound of vomit, and the sour smell of acids surrounding her.

###

"You should buy a pregnancy test, you know better than denying it!" Elinor whispered in her ear.

They were standing in the waiting line at one of the stores in downtown Seattle, They took Lesley shopping after they went to see the Space-needle together.

"I will, just not yet" Addison replied as she paid for a casual dark tight-fitting dress.

"your avoiding, wouldn't you like a baby?" Elinor stated as she paid for a pair of jeans and a sweater with a Seattle Seahawks logo printed across the chest for Lesley.

"Mommy are we seriously going to the game tomorrow?" Lesley screamed excitedly.

"Yes we are Les, but mommy is talking with aunt Addie now, so don't interrupt ok?"

Lesley nodded and walked towards the window of a pet shop, pressing her nose up to the glass as she watched a little caged rabbit with white spots on it's Braun fur.

"where were we?" Elinor asked.

"You asked if I wanted a baby" Addison answered emotionless, she stared straight ahead.

"Do you?" Elinor observed her sister carefully.

Addison looked her sister in the eye, was she ready for a baby?, She had mixed feelings about the situation. "If I am pregnant, I'll be happy about it, if I'm not it will make things les complicated." She sighted, I am so lost Sisi.

Elinor smiled while she looked at her own daughter in front of them, You know what you want Jazz, You wouldn't be so lost if you did.

Addison two looked at her little niece, this could be her chance to be a mother again, sure it would be hard without Derek by her side and it would bring back painful memories about Lars, but she also remembered all the good parts of being a mother.

"I know a pharmacy a few blocks from here, and I need to buy new toothpaste and shampoo." Elinor suddenly announced. "you think we could go there?" She gave Addison a meaningful look.

Addison nodded. "we could, we should, I need to buy a few things there myself" She smiled and grabbed her sister's hand, holding tight as her future was approaching.

###

_December 30, 1997 _

"_In nine months we could be parents Addie! Think about it!" Derek was grinning as they watched the three sticks in the middle of the dining table._

"_how much longer?" Addison was nervous, hell she'd never been so nervous in her life. _

"_Two more minutes Honey" Derek stroke her tensed back, and gave her a quick kiss in her neck. _

_Two more minutes and they would know what their future would look like, two more minutes and she would find out where her life was leading her, two more minutes and a door to the foreland would be opened, two more minutes…_

"_One more minute Addison!"_

_Right, time passes, you tend to forget but it really does. _

_Addison is a thinker, she can be alone for days, dialogues playing in her head, living fantasies. What if she forgets? What if she forgets her child? if there even is a child, she just opens up her eyes and her baby has just turned sixteen and is asking her why she had been quiet for the past fifteen years. Because Addison's a thinker, she thinks, and forgets to live. And when she discovers she has been thinking again, __"deep thinking" as Derek would call it, that is when she does radical things... "ADDIE!, WE'RE HAVING A BABY!" _

_And time has passed again without her knowing._

_###_

Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it :P

I wasn't sure if everything would be clear, I hope it was if not, ask me and I will correct it or explain…

I'm sorry for the long wait, I've been very busy with a lot lately, school is almost over here, so maybe I'll have more time to write then, although I think I'll be even more busy with work and being on vacation, I'm going to Italy (again) this year, and the internet is very expensive!

Working in a bar and as a sail instructor takes a lot of time two…

So now you know all about my life, I'd really love to know about yours, tell me about it in a RIEVIEUW(S)!

Maybe you motivate me enough to cancel my trip and job so I can improve my writing and write twenty books in two months…? Who knows,

XOXO, M.


	8. Dearest Quarrel

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 7****.**

_Special Thanks to my Beta;__ Emily (__'s Wife__)_

_Disclaimer: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

Do you remember that time when being loved was something only done by your parents? Not because they liked you so much, but because you were a part of them, their carrier, their mix of genes, a unit of heredity composed of DNA occupying a fixed position on a chromosome. that's all you were to them. As time passes you'll eventually reach their level of knowledge and they'll treat you like a person they respect and share the same blood with. But as Darwin taught; the main purpose in life is to multiply. It's selfish, really. It's even proven a fact that, most of the times, friendship arises from resembling behaviouristic properties between people. That is because we are so desperate to keep ourselves alive, even when time has come and there has been no opportunity for childbirth, we'll at least have a friend with resembling personal traits to produce a similar person for the next generation. The answer to immortality? Have sex at least ten times a day and raise you own clone army to live your life for you when yours is over…

###

Addison was staring at the pregnancy test in shock, thoughts floating through her head, spinning pas every ventricle. She, Addison Forbes Montgomery, was going to be a mother again. It scared the shit out of her, but at the same time it gave her hope, hope for the future she thought she no longer had.

###

Walking towards the nurses station, Addison tried really hard not to throw up when she saw Derek being united with his doe-eyed-intern, they were whispering and touching while studying a patient's chart. Addison strode past them with a confident walk, head raised. But Derek still had the ability to sense her.

"Dr. Montgomery? Could I talk to you for a minute?" Derek spoke formally.

"No." Addison replied harsh, and she was again showing how vulnerable she was to Derek, just by being harsh and unprofessional. "What do you want Dr. Shepherd? I was actually on my way to have some lunch, and then I have a surgery, so, no, I don't have a minute, but I w_ill_ listen to you while accomplishing my other tasks, which means you'd have to follow me, which I doubt you'll do, because you've never followed me, I always follow you!" She was slightly out of breath after her tirade, and Derek was looking at her with raised eyebrows and an angry look in his piercing blue eyes. "I'm just glad you didn't lose the ability to speak while getting insane." Derek spat back, his tone made her insides contract.

"You are psycho Addison, really you are!" Derek continued. "And once again I'm thanking God on my knees for you sleeping with mark because it opened up my eyes, so I could see how big of a mistake you were!" Dead silence followed. Addison stared at him in shock, searching for words. "I… I'll be… eh… right back." She practically ran for the ladies room at the end of the hall, before breaking down in tears and vomiting.

###

Alex Karev had seen the whole ex-encounter, hell everybody had seen it, and he felt sorry for his old mentor, she was a bitch, she was Satan, but still, she was Addison Montgomery, McHot, and he actually started to like her. So when even he winced at Derek's words, he couldn't even imagine how Dr. Montgomery felt when her husband had just told her she was a mistake and had been for the ten years they were together, Alex didn't know how long exactly but his longest relationship had been three months so ten years sounded like forever to him, and he felt sorry for the attending. He decided he would look out for her, she needed someone, definitely needed someone, to look after her. He had also noticed how pale and worn-out she looked recently, and he had walked in on her once crying in a supply closed while grabbing onto a bucket and heaving into it. It was strange, really, how much people could change, caused by the people they loved.

It were all these things together that made Alex decide to follow the She-Shepherd, and the fact that he'd always wanted to be inside of this particular ladies room, some crazy shit happened in there and he had been dreaming about it for months without knowing what de room looked like. He stopped dead in his tracks after opening the door and finding one of the most put together women he knew, one of the most leading Neonatal surgeons, huddled over a toilet, retching, her face wet with tears. Alex rush towards her, and held back her hair while caressing her back. "Shhh, Dr. Montgomery, he's a jackass, you can get so much better, tonight I'll take you out drinking and I'll teach you some of my seducing skills." His attempts to comfort her failed miserably.

After what felt like an hour, Addison was finally done vomiting, and she was leaning against Alex heavily, too tired out to carry her own weight. He helped her to get cleaned up and lead her outside. She looked like a wreck and the people they passed all froze and stared at them. He quickly, for Addison's sake, lead her into an empty on call room. He helped her lay down and sat next to her on the bed, she was still crying, tears where pooling from her eyes, but she made no sound, it frightened him.

The door opened, his head shot up, Izzie Stevens was standing in the doorway. "Iz!, I… she… I… she's a mess Iz, she needed someone!" Alex started defending himself but Izzie interrupted. "I know Alex, I heard, everybody heard, McNightmare has been very subtle again, hasn't he! But why are yóú helping her? I thought you hated her?! I thought we were a couple!?" Izzie gave him an disapproving look. "We are Iz, we are, I'm not doing anything else with Red over here but comfort her after, what did yah call him?" He gave Izzie an amused look ."McNightmare." Izzie replied, her cheeks growing red. "That's what Mer calls him when he's being a jackass." Alex smiled and kissed her on her mouth firmly. Izzie giggled and kissed him back. Suddenly the sound of retching was heard and both turned to find Dr. Montgomery being bend over the garbage can in the corner. Izzie rushed forward and held back her hair while massaging her back. Alex watched with amusement, how good Izzie was at the whole comforting-thing. And once again the door flew open, revealing an annoyed Dr. Bailey fuming over her interns being un findable and incredibly stupid.

###

Mark Sloan was probably the last person to hear about the shepherds-drama, but when he learned what was said, he was furious. He wanted to kill Derek, he knew how vulnerable Addison was, and how she blamed her failed divorce on herself, their loss of Lars, and even her miscarriage. So he decided to postpone the depending murder on his ex-best friend and search for Addison first.

Walking in to the twentieth on call room he found her, or 'them'. Addison was leaning against a worried looking Dr. Stevens and a pissed off Dr. Karev, while Dr. Bailey was standing in front of Addison trying to make her stop crying because soon she would be hyperventilating. Mark stood with open mouth for a second, but than he rushed towards Addison took her in his arms and started kissing and caressing her head and shoulders, while calling Derek every name on the planet. "Ooh, Adds, shhh, it's gonna be ok, it'll all be fine, I'll take care of you, hell, We'll all take care of you!"

Addison buried her head in his chest and held onto him tightly. Derek was the love of her life and he was the one that had caused her most pain. Mark was the one to repair al damage done, whenever she fell, he had been, and would always be, behind her, to catch her and pick up the lost pieces, that was Mark. And maybe those things were even more important to her than love…

###

Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought? Did you notice there are less grammatical mistakes for instance? That is because I have a fabulous BETA nowadays…!

I'll try to update ASAP…

XOXO, M.


	9. Set Me Free Father G

**Don't choke on the bone fragments.**

**Chapter 8****.**

_Disclaimer: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. _

_Special thanks to my lovely beta; Dr. McDreamy's Wife_

In prison, the most common wish is "to get free". Some are free when they have paid their debt to society, other free themselves by using drugs and even a greater amount is convinced that being free is no longer exiting or has never existed in this world. They have their hopes set on a life after death, a place where freedom can be reached. Prison, of course, is one of the most uncomplicated examples of detention. But aren't we all without a will of our own? We are most certainly not free. Have we ever even been free? Even in Paradise Adam and Eve were not free. They could do whatever they wanted to do, except plucking and eating the apples from one particular tree, of course this was exactly what they did. Who did it? Why? and how? Is irrelevant. It proves how we humans think and handle. Murder, for example, is forbidden by the law. So if I were to kill somebody, just because I wanted to, I'll be in jail for a long, long time. I'm not saying it's a stupid rule or law, I'm wondering how far we have to go to acquire freedom. Is it even possible? Imagine you could do in and with your life whatever you want. What would you do? How would you spend it? Not even being sure if you make it to the next day?

###

Mark had known Addison for a long time, he even knew her longer than Derek did, hell, he even introduced them to one another! But he didn't have those dreamy blue, 'in sickness and in health', eyes. He was no 'boyfriend-material'. Sex he could do, mind blowing, earth shaking sex. He owned sex, no strings attached, clean, plain sex. A relationship was like the apocalypse to him. Maybe it had become that way because he had never even seen a relationship while he grew up, never a good or steady one anyway. Addison and Derek had been his example, 'the great, golden couple' Mark had loved so much. It was fate that he, and only he, had been the one to break the best relationship he had ever known apart. He was the one who crushed the fragile glass bubble and it was only fair that he, now, got to bleed from the shattered pieces landing all over him.

###

"Are you going to be okay now Addie?" Mark asked while caressing her cheek softly. "Shall I drive you home now?"

Addison dried her eyes and wiped the mascara of her cheeks, then she took a deep breath and nodded. "Thanks Mark, that would be great" her voice sounded soar and raspy from all the crying.

They made their way to the parking lot in silence, Mark opened the door of her car for her and took her keys, then he walked over to the driver's side and started the car. "Why is everything so fucked up now Mark?!" Addison suddenly spat. Mark looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Don't know Add, but you'll be fine, it's just a matter of time, you need time to heal" He stroked her upper thigh and sighed. "This is not how I imagined ending up" Addison murmured "Alone, pregnant and living in a hotel room" Mark gave her a sad smile. "Hey, you have not ended up anywhere!" Then he realized what she had said and he froze. "You're pregnant?! Does Derek know?! How far along are you?! Jesus Addison! What the fuck are you gonna do?!" His face was crimson red and his eyes wide open. "Mark!" Addison cried out, "Watch the damn road you idiot!" Mark gave a quick pull at the steering wheel and missed a passing car by two inches. Addison breathed heavily and Mark stopped the car along the road, he fell backwards and let his head rest on the head restraint. Addison was white as a sheet and shaking, trying to catch her breath with her eyes closed. "To answer your questions, Yes, I am pregnant, No, He does not know, and he won't for a while, I think I'm about seven weeks along and I have actually no idea whatsoever about what I'm going to do" She sighed and he winked at her as she rolled her eyes at him. "Maybe you should start looking for a house?" He suggested. She gave him a small but determined nod. "I should, I mean with a baby and everything, I can't stay at the hotel, will you, maybe uhh, help me find one?"

"I will."

###

The next day Addison was sitting in her office, enjoying a nice quiet meal while reading the newspaper, when someone knocked on her door. "Come in" She called out.

The door slowly opened and Isobel Stevens appeared from behind it. "Hi" Izzie grinned. "Hello Dr. Stevens to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I held back your hair when you where vomiting your guts out the other day, I think you can call me Izzie now" Izzie closed the door, Addison gave her a small smile and walked around her desk to lean against it while facing the young intern. "Thank you for helping me yesterday Steven-, Izzie" Addison corrected herself. "And you can call me Addison when we're not working" She added and smiled warmly. "With what can I help you Izzie?"

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay and I wanted to ask about specializing in neonatal" Izzie rambled.

"I'm fine, but you want to specialize in neonatal?" Addison looked at her closely to see if she really meant it. "Yes, I mean if you want to teach me?" Her cheeks turned a shade of pink.

Addison gave her a big smile, she actually wanted to hug the other woman but didn't want to scare her away. "Of course I want to teach you! You are the best I've seen in years! I just have to speak with your resident and you can be on my service from now on" Izzie looked relieved and Addison couldn't stop thinking of them becoming friends, someday, in the future. "Thank you so much, I'm looking forward to working with you again" Then, suddenly, Izzie opened her arms and took her in a tight embrace, Addison was shocked at first but then she relaxed and felt her eyes watering, those damn hormones, they were already making her soft! "Are you okay Addison?" Izzie asked concerned. "I'm sorry, did I make you cry? Are you feeling pain? Was the hug too much, oh my god, I'm so sorry Addison!" Addison laughed through her tears while shaking her head. "No, no I'm just overwhelmed and a bit emotional, I actually liked the hug, thanks"

"You're welcome" Izzie studied her for a moment. "Addison, can I ask, uhm, are you, uhm, how far along are you?" Addison gasped "Who told you?! Mark? I knew I shouldn't have told him! The bastard!"

"No I just kind of guessed, the signs are kind of there you know, the vomiting, overemotional, tired more often, I just put the pieces together yesterday" Izzie grabbed her hand "If you need any help, with work or even personally, I'm here, alright?" Addison started crying "Thank you Izzie, that's really nice of you, I'll keep it in mind, I'm sorry, I just-," Addison suddenly felt the urge to throw up her lunch and covered her mouth with her hands while running to the tiny bathroom adjoining her office before vomiting in the toilet. Izzie held back her hair and tried to comfort her by rubbing her back.

When she was done emptying her stomach, she rinsed her mouth and sat down on the couch exhausted. "Izzie, will you do me a favour and keep this all quiet, Derek doesn't know yet and I want to keep it that way, at least for now" Izzie nodded. "My lips are sealed, but you look terrible, no offence, you should lay down and take a nap, I'll get Mrs. Phillips' labs and then I'll come to wake you in thirty minutes or so, alright?" Izzie squeezed her shoulder. "Thank you Stevens, I mean Izzie, I owe you" Addison settled herself on the couch and closed her eyes. When she heard the door close she softly pulled up her shirt, stroking the place her baby lay, she thought how wonderful it was to have someone like Izzie here, to help her. Mark was a great friend and she could probably use him for sex when she got in her second trimester, but he was a man, he didn't do girl-feelings or comfort hugs very often.

Derek, she thought, he loved to hug, at least the old Derek did. She didn't know if the stranger her husband had become still liked hugging, maybe he only liked hugging with Meredith Grey now.

It hurt.

It stung.

It made the flaw in her heart crack, and she was without a gauze to stop the bleeding.

###

Sorry for the long wait! I was really busy… and had a small writer's block…

I hope everyone had a great summer and I'll really try to update more!

Please give me reviews about what you think, I'm not so sure about this chapter! And if you have any suggestions, again REVIEW!!!

XoXo, M.


End file.
